That Person Isn't You

This week's blog is about learning the value of accepting individuality. This week I'm going to indulge in my own experience. I'll of course link this to some counselling models and there will be a list of references and links as always however, the bulk of this week's writing is about my own personal observations and growth over my 51 years.While I was growing up and often in my practice as a support worker I would hear a sentence that would go something like this "If that were me I would never have done A, I alway do B. What's wrong with that person".  I pondered on this for a while because there was something in this premise that made me feel a bit confused and a touch erky on the inside. And then one day it dawned on me not like a bolt out of the blue rather a slow sun rising with the light gradually changing over time. The next time I heard this, I can't remember what it was in relation to I tried a different approach so when this person said to me "If that were...ending with what's wrong with him..." I replied "He isn't you though is he, he is himself". This was greeted with "what do you mean?"...I went on "He isn't you so he makes his own choices. To him this choice must have been the best option that's why he choose it"..."we all do this we make a choice based on the information that we have at the time, what's worked for us in the past a whole heap of other stuff too. He's a completely different person to you so therefore he makes different choices to you." Normally this is followed by the perplexed thinking face. Then I say "You can only make choices that are good for you, you can't make his choices too and even if you did they would be unsatisfactory to him and probably wouldn't work" There's normally a few more conversation along those lines and then I end up saying "Wouldn't it be easier to just let him make his own choices, maybe there are some great reasons behind it. Wouldn't it just be easier all round if you just make choices for you and try to understand he's choices and accept him where he is at the time instead of being angry with him for not being you".

I was particularly pleased when one of my disabled clients said to their case manager "Actually, I'm not you, I make decisions that suit my life not your life. That's great that you do that but that's not what I want to do." It was so lovingly said, natural and honest. I had to run outside to the clothesline and do the happy dance hopeful that the case manager didn't look out the window and see me there. 

Another thing I heard often working as a support worker was "It's my fault because....(long list of reasons which didn't amount to much) followed. It's really great when people take responsibility for their actions however, sometimes it's not our fault. Sometimes people are actually victims as I have said earlier. Often the most vulnerable of our societies are popped into this category. I liked very much to identify problems by digging a bit deeper than the surface. The above mentioned lady had a few issues with workers getting attached to her and her getting attached to them. The service provider was saying it's the fault of the support workers and this lady. I found her crying because she had been told off for getting too close to a support worker who was then removed from her roster.

We had a chat that went along the lines of this. "So, what did they say exactly," she replied "They said I can't be too friendly with my workers because they end up burning out and leaving". I said "What do you do all day?"...she replied "What do you mean?".  I said "Do you have friends over, do you have a hobby, Do you do any study or do you have any interests". She had a think about it she said "No, I just do bowling on a Friday but most of those people can't talk or interact with me". So, the only people you have to get close to are your support workers would you say?"...She said "Yeah, that is kind of true...I didn't have this problem when I was working and living in that share house." I said "Who is responsible for providing you with support to get a job, to help you find social connections at this new place? Who really owns this problem?"  She picked up the phone called her case worker "Hey, you know what would really help me in not getting too attached to my support workers, is if  I could spend some of my funding money on getting some hobbies and interest, I'd like to get into a TAFE course or something. That way I'd be meeting people to be friends with that weren't my workers".  

What a fast learner I heard on the support worker grape vine that she had said to her case manager "Let's have a think about who owns this problem shall we"

The conclusion of this little Sandy story is, that other people aren't you. They do their own thing, generally speaking their own thing is what suits them best. Sometimes we aren't the ones that own the problem although at first glance it may seem that way. As promised I'll attempted to link this with some real psychology. I'm going to make the huge leap that Carl Rogers had the same idea that people are intrinsically good and attempt to do their best in life. How we see ourselves and others is often based on the misconception that everyone is just like us. This idea may have formed because we have a great section of our brain telling us that our way is the best way, this is called "Cognitive Bias". Next time you find yourself thinking "If that were me I would never..." remind yourself that you don't really know what you would do and that person isn't you anyway that person is doing what is right for them. If it turns out to be the wrong thing that's on them not you.

The Psychology of Gaming

A little known fact about me is that I am a Gamer. I've been playing computer and console games since they first came out, I can't remember when that was, I think I was around 17 years old. These days I only have time to play one online game. This game is World of Warcraft. This is the largest Multiplayer online games in the world to date, it has been around for 11 years. There have been numerous studies done on the psychological impact of gaming generally and many focusing on just World of Warcraft. There is now a condition which has been added to the DSM- 5 which addresses the addictive nature of gaming. This condition is called "Internet Gaming Disorder"(IGD). It shares similar characteristics as other problem behaviours such as gambling, drug addiction and alcoholism. Players suffer withdrawal when giving up their games. This week's blog is about the psychology of gaming. A long time ago when I first started to play WoW and I was in a very intense raiding guild. A fellow gamer gave me the greatest advice in relation to gaming he said, "Krinsta (that's my warcraft character name), always remember to play the game don't let the game play you".

A lot has been written about the negative aspects of gaming. Just to be different I'd like to write about some of the less well known benefits of gaming. These too have been researched, perhaps these researchers have not been on the popular media news stories as much as the negative aspect such as the very real problem of IGD. I feel as if these positive attributes that occur when players do learn to moderate their gaming are really unheard of in general media. Great things like developing a "Hero Mentality", Teamwork and Money Management, are little heard of in the wider non-gamer community. The gamer community are supporters of a variety of charities such as "Make a Wish Foundation". They are definately solution focused and team oriented group of people. As with any large community there are a few ratbags unfortunately these are the ones that the general public hear about.

The mysterious world of gamers is a complex one. Let me break it down for you. There is the very large community of gamers who play all the games that have ever been made. There's the game community of particular games for example, the World of Warcraft Community of which I am a member.  This is made up of everyone who plays WoW, these include youtubers, some of them are shown in the links below if you are interested to take a glimpse. Then there is the slightly smaller community of players that play in your region, known as "Servers" and then the smaller still community of "Guilds". These are the people that are part of your direct team. I am the leader of a Guild of such a community. The members of the guild play specifically together doing a variety of team based activities. In my guild this includes, getting together twice a week for two hours to raid. Some members going to each others houses and playing the game together. We have a facebook page and we talk together almost every day on programs such a ventrilo and teamspeak. We have a leadership team. We have game objectives that we work on together on to achieve. You can see my guild in action in the links below. The more important role of the guild has more to do with providing a social support network. It's not unusual in my guild for people to get together In Real Life (IRL). People in my guild "Riftwarriors" stay at each others houses when traveling interstate, help each other move house, talk on phone, discuss IRL problems and come up with solutions, write references and a host of other activities. Proofreading essays is one of the ones I particularly like. We are yet to have a guild get together, this happens frequently with other guilds. In short it is a shared activity that we all enjoy. It's a community of good mates who meet online and offline.


The research supports this role of social support with studies linking relationships built in guilds reducing social phobias and isolation offline as well as online. The gaming community providing all the benefits of other social groups which are more traditional. The benefits of working as a team to resolve ingame problems provides real life skills in doing the same outside of the game. Problem solving activities can be found in a number of games. These skills are transferable to real life. Gamers have been solving difficult scientific problems that have baffled the scientific world by doing just that transferring these problem solving skills to solving real scientific mysteries

The negatives to excessive gaming are real. Undergraduates fail the first year of studies at alarming rates. As a guild leader I have seen this first hand. As a guild we do try to encourage our members to be sensible about their play time. Some of our guildies in the past have played WoW to the exclusion of everything else and have learned the hard way not to let the game play them. There are some personality types that can be prone to this kind of behaviour. The makers of the game do warn players about this phenomenon. We still have a lot to learn about how to manage this. I am not advocating this type of game play. However, I am hopefully pointing out the good elements of the game.

For many years I kept my gaming hobby a secret. I felt a certain amount of shame and embarrassment that I played these games. I certainly don't fit the media image of a gamer. I'm a woman in my 50's who runs a World of Warcraft guild. Today, I am owning this part of who I am. I am proud of my guildies for how they are in the game and how they conduct themselves in their real lives. I'm also proud of myself for running this guild and being able to play this game with my sons over the years. I am so glad that I got this "second skin" of Krinsta, to take me away to a different place every now and then.

There is nothing like the experience of being with a group of people of all different social backgrounds ages and stages of life joining together and working on a common goal and succeeding. I see my gaming as a release, a place to go in which for a short time I can be part of the Riftwarriors family and achieve goals, socialise and forget about RL for a little while. I play around about the same amount as what other people may watch Television. I do play the game the game doesn't play me. I think that gaming is a great thing with some bad sides to it. Like all things Gaming should be taken in Moderation.  Thank you to all the people who I have played Warcraft with over the past 11 years and a special thank you to the Riftwarriors for having such faith in my ability to lead you and helping me to create such a great place to be. You guys are awesome :)

Links to Youtubers

https://www.youtube.com/user/FatbossTV

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCk3bbpoBpVTRYvjpNOfoMxA

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKUc5yO0jnEWEJnk-rdVVug

Riftwarriors In Action

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAwpaijwwrI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJPD9t5jOgc

Ted Talk

https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_gaming_can_make_a_better_world?language=en

References

Dickey, M. D. (2011). World of Warcraft and the impact of game culture and play in an undergraduate game design course. Computers and Education, 200-209.

Griffiths, M. D., Kuss, D. J., & Pontes, H. M. (2016). The evolution of Internet addiction: A global perspective. Addictive Beviours, 193-195.

Lehenbaurer-Baum, M., & Fohringer, M. (2015). Towards classification criteria for internet gaming disorder: Debunking differences between addiction and high engagement in a German sample of World of Warcraft players. Computers in Human Behaviour, 345-351.

Martoncik, M., & Loksa, J. (2016). Do World of Warcaft (MMORPG) players experience less loneliness and social anxiiety in online world (virtual environment) than in real world (offline). Computers in Human Behaviour, 127-134.

Odrowska, A. M., & Massar, K. (2014). Predicting guild commitment in World of Warcreaft with the investment model of Commitment. Computers in Human Behaviour, 235-240.

Silva, L., & Mousavidin, E. (2015). Strategic thinking in virtual worlds: Studying World of Warcraft. Computers in Human Behaviour, 168-180.

Young, K. S. (2004). Internet Addiction A new Clinical Phenomenon and Its Consequences. American Behavioral Scientist, 402-415.

Second skin. (2010). American Salon, 133(12), 60. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.elibrary.acap.edu.au/docview/818547361?accountid=137399

Professionals Cry Too

This week I'm going to write about professionals and emotions. In my past career as a low level nurse and support worker, the image of professionalism often meant not showing our true emotions to our clients or their families or even each other. We were encouraged to be emotional walls of strength that anything could be thrown at. That we would be impervious to any harm. Our clients could scream abuse at us when they were diagnosed with some kind of horrible condition. At times over the slightest provocation clients would have angry outburst directed toward nursing staff. In disability services as a support worker it was common place for clients and their families to use us as emotional whipping boys. If we complained we were told it's all part of the job. Things have changed now, thank goodness. However, there is still a bit of confusion about if it is ok to show our emotions. What are the consequences of suppressing these deep felt emotions and how can we deal with them in a professional way. Hopefully this week's blog will be helpful to you in finding a healthy balance and ways to deal with sadness.

There was method to this madness of emotion suppression. It isn't a great idea to drop to the floor in fetal position and cry when your clients  die or divulge a horrible past secret. You do have to remain strong in these caring roles. However, there is nothing wrong with crying about these things in moderation, seeking out some counselling yourself which is outside supervision. Employing some tactics to allow yourself to leave your work at work. To acknowledge that your clients are important to you and having a cry is human. Being a counsellor, nurse or doctor doesn't stop you from being human.

Some of the things you can do to prevent yourself from burning out are maintaining some healthy life practices. Not taking on more than you can handle, getting adequate rest, allowing yourself to process the sadness you feel when a client passes away. I worked for a wonderful organisation that promoted processing grief. They held staff meeting specifically for the nursing staff to talk about the person or people who had died. This was really helpful it usually entailed meeting somewhere for food and talking about all the things we loved and didn't love so much about these people we had cared for, over sometimes years. There was laughter and tears in these staff meetings. It was a lovely way to send our clients off. We were also given 6 weeks free counselling every year. Some nurses took up this option some did not. Some nurses were invited to the meetings/dinner some came along, some did not. I know that this experience was very good for me. It was lovely to hear the stories of the clients special moments with each of the staff. I never worked for another place that offered this kind of support however, I do wish that more organisations did something similar to this.

There is a lot of research being done at the moment around carer burnout, grieving and nursing in Palliative care. The impact on professionals who are working with patients who have a high mortality rate is also being research broadly. Hopefully this will assist professionals who work in this area of care and support to be acknowledged, not only by their peers also within the wider community. Understanding that it is really ok and human to experience strong emotions when the people we care for die. Death is part of the living experience, as is grieving for the people who die. There is so much opportunity to grow when we experience these emotions and reflect upon our experience as professionals in these roles.  In particular our role in caring for people who are dying. Irving Yalom talks about the experience of working with people who are dying as heightening his own experience of living. If we suppress our feelings, we run the risk of not growing as humans and as professionals. I think it is a lovely tribute to lives of the people we care for if we acknowledge our own grief when they are gone from our lives.

In conclusion, I would like to say thank you to all the clients I have cared for and their families for enriching my life. I would also like to thank all my fellow nurses for their wonderful input into my professional growth which I'm sure will make me a much better counsellor and psychologist.

References

Burtson, P. L., & Stichler, J. F. (2010). Nursing work environment and nurse care: relationship among motivational factors. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 1819-1829.

Cocco, E., Gatti, M., deMendonco Limma, A., & Comus, V. (2003). A comparative study of stress and burnout among sstaff caregivers in nursing homes and acute geriatric wards. International Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 78-85.

Juthberg, C., Eriksson, S., Norberg, A., & Sundin, K. (2010). Perceptions of conscience, stress of conscience and burnout among nursing staff in residential elder care. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 1708-1718.

Kaur, D., Sambasivan, M., & Kumar, N. (2013). Effect of spiritual intelligence, emotional intelligence, psychological ownership and burout on caring behaviour of nurses: a cross-sectional study. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 3192-3202.

Peters, V., Houkes, I., de Rijk, A., Bohle, P., Engles, J., & Nijhuis, F. (2016). Which resources moderate the effects of demanding work schedules on nurses working in residential elder care? A longitudinal study. International Journal of Nursing Studies, 31-43.

Yalom, I. (2010, June 10). Dr Yalom 1-3 Death & Existential Psychotherapy. Retrieved October 11, 2014, from youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-1dfH_kVZA

Relationship Therapy How to Identify a Good Therapist

This week I'm going to talk about how to identify a good relationship therapist. What are the qualities you should be looking for and how does a well trained relationship therapists approach a session. What does a good relationship therapist focus on. What are some questions to ask to determine if you have found the right therapist for you, who can help you achieve a positive outcome for you and your partner. The reason I'm writing this week's blog is because last week I heard a few stories which were a bit disturbing in regard to couples seeking a relationship therapist and finding something which could not be defined as a good experience. There are many counsellors who believe that all therapy is relationship based. I would agree with this assessment starting with the relationship that you have with yourself. How we relate to others is pivotal to our happiness and it determines how we travel through our lives. The old adage is true in this case "at first you must love yourself".

As with most counselling, couples tend to come along when they have run out of options. It is often the case that couples are really seeking separation counselling. They have had enough and have one foot out the door already. Finding the right therapist when you are in this heightened emotional state is not an easy thing to do. The temptation to google "Relationship Counselling" and go to the first
 organisation that pops up is high. However, I would urge you to phone around a bit. Just like there are bad doctors, bad mechanics, bad plumbers and bad nurses there are also bad therapist. It pays to shop around. Therapists have different approaches to relationship therapy, it is always good to have this in mind. There are also therapists with personalities that might clash with your own. As I have said earlier in previous blogs the biggest factor to successful therapy is the relationship between yourself and your therapist. How well you and your partner get on with the therapist is crucial to the success of the therapy. That's why choosing a therapist is so important. Last week I heard three stories of people who went to a therapist who they didn't like and decided never to go back to any therapist ever again. This is a real shame that one bad experience can result in someone determining never to seek counselling ever again. *Take note therapists*, you hold a great deal of responsibility when your client walks in the door. Not only are people trusting us with their life stories, we are also responsible for how they view therapy as a whole. Try not to give us all a bad wrap please. I  always reiterate to clients that if they don't feel comfortable with me that they can choose another counsellor and I won't feel offended. My major goal is that my client receive the best quality therapy this can only be achieved if the client feels comfortable and confident in me. This is crucially important as I am still in the training process as a counsellor. There has to be the right chemistry between the clients and the counsellor. This can be complicated in couple therapy both parties have to feel comfortable with the therapist. If you can agree upon which counsellor you choose then you are halfway to making a huge difference to both your lives.


What are the key factors to relationship therapy and what makes a good relationship therapist. Firstly, both parties have to feel comfortable with the therapist. Secondly, the therapist must remain impartial. This second point is very important. Therapist should not be taking sides with one partner or the other. Both clients should leave the therapy with a feeling of being heard equally. The therapist's aim should be on hearing all sides of the story in the first session. It is also the role of the therapist to assist the clients in hearing each other. Relationship therapy might include one on one counselling with the therapist. The therapy space should be a safe place for couples to talk. A good therapist will not attribute blame to either party. A relationship therapist should moderate discussions so that conversations stay on track and don't turn into a he said she said. A good relationship therapist keeps the focus on the relationship not the individuals within it. A relationship therapist might look to the past to see how the couples are modeling their own relationship. A good relationship therapist will look to the strengths within the relationship and build on these. The therapist might offer up information such as good communication techniques or recommend books and videos on how to build on the relationship. Relationship therapy is complex and many therapist steer away from it as it is daunting.

As with any therapy it's a good idea to shop around for the right therapist, who uses a model that you can relate to. In previous blogs I've talked about the different types of therapy; Narrative, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Existential Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to name just a few. In this wonderful age of the internet we can research the different models of therapy to see which one might work for us. When you are shopping around here are some things to think about. A good question to ask is;"What Model of Therapy do you use?" Most organisations have a "Mission Statement", have a read of this. Many therapist have websites now in which they post blogs similar to this one. You will get a good idea of the therapist by reading these blogs. There's a lot of therapists out there, this is a great thing for you because, you have a lot of therapist to choose from. You might like to use the same approach that you would choosing any person who is providing you with a service. Get three quotes, at least. If you do use a big organisation like Relationships Australia and you have a bad experience with a therapist, it really is so important that you report back to the practice manager. Another counsellor will be assigned your case. If you have a bad experience generally you can report this to Australian Counselling Association, PACFA or the Board of Psychology. Another thing that you can do is say something to the therapist themselves. I know I love to get feedback good and bad. I make an effort to ask my clients how they are going with the therapy and if they have any feedback for me. It is completely ok for you to say to your therapist "I really didn't like that session, I felt like you weren't hearing my side of the story." It's really important that a relationship therapy session provides an opportunity to talk honestly not only with your partner also with your therapist. Your therapist can take this criticism to their next supervision session which will make them a better therapist in the long run.

Relationship therapists often set up a verbal contracts, sometimes a written contract which outlines some guidelines for the session that go along the lines of good communication. This enables couples to practice these in the safety of the therapy room. If your relationship is in need of an impartial view and some tweaking to improve your life and general happiness go forth and seek out a good therapist. In the meantime I have put a few links below for you to have a look at regarding relationships. My favourite is John Gottman and I long for the day that I can get enough cash to do one of the Gottman Institute Relationship Counselling Courses. I have also included some links to Relationship Counsellors who you might like to check out that are Narrative focused, Existential Focused and ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) Focused to start you off on your research. My last request is that if you feel like your relationship is in trouble go early for therapy rather than later.  You will hopefully benefit from this experience.

Helpful Links

Seven Principles from John Gottman

Four Horsemen from John Gottman

Therapist

Narrative Therapist Helen Larkey works primarily as a Narrative Therapist yet moves to other modalities as required.  Helen works with Skype and Phone Counselling so it doesn't matter where you live you can access counselling with Helen.

Existential Therapist Charmaine Roth has completed level one training with the John Gottman institute. Charmaine offers a variety of counselling modalities for couples, existential being one of them. Charmaine offers Skype Counselling which means that you can receive counselling with Charmaine wherever you are living for face to face Counselling you need to be in NSW.

References

Berrison, G. (2007). Making Relationships Work. A conversation with Psychologist John M. Gottman. Harvard Business Review, 45-50.

Gerald, D., & Gerald, K. (2001). Basic Personal Counselling. Frenchs Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and how you can make yours last. NY: Simon & Schuster Paperback.

Conflicts, Communication, View of the World and Personal Peceptions

This week I'm going to talk about a few of the things that I think might cause us to seek out counseling. We form our view of the world based on a bucket load of perceptions. We receive these perceptions from a variety of sources. These might include family our parents and grandparents, teachers, the church we attend, the social structure we grow up in, the experiences we have throughout our lives, the conclusions we draw from all of these things inform our view of the world. Our world view can sometimes be flawed or perceptions of the world may be based upon these flaws. The collection of perceptions we have about the world can be seen as subjective making the flexible and changeable.   For example as a child we may think that our parents view of the world is absolutely accurate when we are adults we may see our parents view of the world as rather limited or even false. We may never question our parental view of the world throughout our entire lives therefore this view will be passed along to our own children. This might become part of your family culture.

We don't just live within our family unit, we get to a certain point where we are exposed to other influences. We come across people who present their view of the world or elements of their view of the world which conflict with our own view. We might communicate our view of the world or try to apply our perceptions onto other people we meet. An internal conflict may arise where a question is raised in our mind we may gather evidence from the external world which confirms our world view or it may create further questions and exploration. This is why some of us are drawn to philosophy or seek answers to our questions in religiosity. The questions may only led to more questions and provide no answers.

When two people meet and marry or decide to share their lives together either in a marriage or even as friends our world view may be challenged. I know when I met my husband the first few years of our marriage were filled with conflict because our world views were so different.   Our family cultures were very different and our perceptions of our experiences varied so greatly that in the end the marriage failed. This is why people who choose to be with another person who comes from similar background to themselves, who share the same world view who perceive the world in the same way are more successful in their marriages. This doesn't mean that you can't have a wonderful relationship with someone who has completely opposing views. There, in fact, might be a greater opportunity to develop a very meaningful relationship with a person who has different views to you there might even be a greater opportunity for personal growth in a relationship where there is a great deal of conflict. This may become really doable if that conflict is conducted with great communication.

In order to achieve great communication it is ideal that we are open to suggestions to taking on board the other person's perceptions of the world, their internal world. Achieving this great communication might not come naturally to us. This is where we might want to have relationship counselling or we may want to learn more about the world in general making communication work for us to learn and grow. If we are interested in personal growth we might find ourselves seeking out opposing views which challenge us. Instead of birds of a feather that flock together we might want to experiment with thoughts and concepts outside of our normal experience. I believe part of good communication is accepting that there are many views of the world and everyone is so unique that it really is worth my while to hear all about these different views without imposing my own view upon others however, I do sometimes challenge other people's views and my own. This is to encourage personal growth.

Having said all of this it is also sensible to know when the difference is too great that growth is not happening. In order to communicate well you really require both people to be motivated toward making things work. If both people aren't working together to find a middle ground then this is where a lot of psychological harm can occur. You really have to know your limits this to is where you may seek the counsel of your friends, family or a professional counselling. To learn when to let things go or to develop a different kind of relationship as I did with my former husband of co-parenting and a friendly workable relationship. Finding the boundaries of your own limitations and other people's limitations is very complex it's not surprising that we need help sorting it all out. We go to our friends for assistance with this because they know us well. We go to counsellors because we require objectivity because they don't know us well. They do know all of the tools you might use to assist you in reaching a decision. We bring all that we have learned at University within the framework of our own lives. It is not a coincidence that many of the great psychologists and counsellors have overcome a great deal of personal challenges.

References

Berrison, G. (2007). Making Relationships Work. A conversation with Psychologist John M. Gottman. Harvard Business Review, 45-50.

Corey, G. (2009). Theory and Practice of Counselling and Psychotherapy. Belmont CA: Brooks/Cole.

Gerald, D., & Gerald, K. (2001). Basic Personal Counselling. Frenchs Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Gerrig, R. J. (2009). Psychology and Life. French Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and how you can make yours last. NY: Simon & Schuster Paperback.

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.

Do you have to be mentally unstable to see a counsellor??

There's a lot of stigma attached to mental illness and also to counselling. There's a belief that if you are having trouble with your life or your emotions that you are mentally unstable. If you are seeing a counsellor that there is something "wrong" with you. Perhaps this stigma is partially responsible for people hesitating before going to a counsellor and waiting until their whole lives are unravelling before them before they consider seeking help with getting things back on track.  The truth is mentally stable people seek out help for themselves if they find themselves struggling with issues in their lives. Mentally unstable people rarely seek help or if they are in counselling it's been mandated by the courts. They are mainly at counselling because somebody else has identified that there maybe a mental health issue there. However, this is not always the case. Having times of instability is part of living and seeking help when that instability is impacting your life in a way that results in feeling out of control is completely fine.

What is mental instability or mental illness. I think most people experience some kind of instability at some stage in their lives. Having feelings of confusion and uncertainty isn't necessarily considered mental instability. Having periods of great sadness isn't necessarily depression. Having fluctuating moods isn't necessarily bipolar disorder. Emotions are not always going along in a flat line. Sometimes sadness is the appropriate response or anxiety may be warranted given the surrounding circumstances. It's not your job to diagnose yourself. It's not even the job of a counsellor or GP to diagnose mental illness as I have said in the previous blogs. Getting help is important, how you get help and who you get help from is really irrelevant. In the long term your life will improve if you are no longer struggling or you learn something about yourself having overcome that struggle.

Mentally aware and emotionally aware people seek help when they feel they aren't coping. They do this because they have a high level of self awareness.  This is a thing counsellors are looking for in the assessment of their clients. Do they have a good understanding of themselves? are they internal thinkers or external thinkers? We like to see internal thinkers because they are most likely able to see their part in their current circumstances and are more likely to take part in any interventions. Their problem is taking on too much responsibility and the solution for them is as I say "pass the responsibility back to the appropriate person, like its a hot rock".  As counsellors we love to see people who are keen to do some homework are able to contribute to their own wellbeing. It's much harder to work with external thinkers because these people are normally telling themselves that there is nothing wrong with them it's everyone else's fault their life has turned upside down. Their solutions usually involves other people doing things for them rather than them doing something for themselves. However, often external thinkers will have moments of clarity where they might say "I don't know why I can't do...." quickly followed by "it's  probably because my wife/husband..."

Another common thing I see around University and also in my various work places is calling someone "a victim". External thinkers may be labeled in this way. They are being a victim therefore I can't help them.  This whole victim thing annoys me no end as I see it as an excuse professionals use to shut down and not help people. I've heard it said so often that if I had a dollar for every time I heard it I would totally be a billionaire now. The truth is that people do learn to be helpless if they have been victimised. Then they have some professional or well meaning friend wack the label of "Victim Mentality" on them. This then makes the client shut down and a victim again of poor professional management. The fact of the matter is that often these people have suffered terrible abuse or have constantly been attacked for their inability to change things in their lives. Sometimes people really are victims and they need to be heard, once they are heard they are able to move on.

I would ask that if you, as a professional, find yourself popping the "Victim Label" on your clients to take another look at why you have done that. I would be asking myself how can I approach this client to get the best results. This is why we have supervision and why we should always be looking toward how we as professionals can grow from the experience of assisting everyone who comes to us no matter what label is put upon them. There's always referral if you aren't able to help someone and pointing the finger at the client is not a good idea under any circumstance. It's ok to be a victim. There are actual victims; victims of cancer, of child abuse, of permanent physical disabilities. It's completely ok to have moments of sadness about being harmed and being a victim. Life gives us these things that are out of our control. Victims become survivors. It's the job of professionals to give people every opportunity to move through the process to become a survivor.

The facts are that not everyone is a fully self actualised human being, who is totally centered in the world around them, who is able to move through their life without being a victim or a perpetrator or having any number of problems. It shows great strength to be able to admit that something is wrong and that you need help from a professional. It is a great joy to see my clients move through the process of counselling to become a bit closer to being the best version of themselves. It's really a huge thing. To answer the question: Do you have to be mentally unstable to see a counsellor? The answer is no. All you have to be is a human who is perfectly imperfect seeking assistance in getting the best results for yourself.

References

Corey, G. (2009). Theory and Practice of Counselling and Psychotherapy. Belmont CA: Brooks/Cole.

Gerald, D., & Gerald, K. (2001). Basic Personal Counselling. Frenchs Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Gerrig, R. J. (2009). Psychology and Life. French Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Brief Counselling

In today's fast paced world everything is aimed at how quickly results can be achieved. Everything is fast. We want our food fast. We want our needs of every kind meet quickly. The emergence of speed dating, hook up apps, to find our lovers fast. The big emphasis on contract work or casual employment are also evidence of the fast and temporary nature of our fast growing fast moving society.  Living life in the fast lane is part of modern life. Therapy is no different we want our therapy fast 6-10 weeks is the normal length of therapy these days. 

There is plenty of research based around the effectiveness of brief therapy. Some counsellors can achieve a lot in that one hour of counselling time. I came across an organisation that offered brief counselling. It specified that one counselling session was offered with a referral system available for those who feel they require ongoing or further counselling. In actual fact one therapy session can often be enough for some people.

It is true that some problems only need one hour of mulling over with a counsellor. An example of this could be employment or career counselling. In this case the person may have a number of options available to them and be struggling with which option to choose. It may be a matter of saying what is in their head out loud to another person. Laying things out before you often helps you see the obvious path. Brief counselling may be useful for a number of problems that are similar to this in nature. The types of therapy that work best in these cases are Motivational Interviewing, Solution Focused Therapy and Cognitive Therapies can also be brief. A number of other modalities are adapting toward streamlining their style of delivery such as Brief Psychodynamic counselling which incorporates the old style of psychodynamic counselling with a more direct approach by keeping the counselling sessions to a minimum.

Brief counselling has a lot going for it. The cost involved being one. There is more and more research that points toward the harmfulness of over analysing life events and the benefits of looking forward rather than back through our hardships. It does make sense that too much delving into past trauma could end up being harmful. The shift toward looking at strengths that we developed overcoming past hardships and applying these to a solution focused future seems to be well intentioned.  The idea that we are re-traumatizing ourselves when we talk about our history has been the subject of few research papers. Particularly if the trauma is significant.  The Port Arthur tragedy found that people who had counselling recovered more slowly than those who didn't. This sparked research in Australia regarding how to approach trauma counselling.  We understand now that we cannot apply counselling methods that work well with clients generally to those who have suffered extreme trauma.   Trauma counselling is a very specialised field these days. Lessons learned here have been applied elsewhere. This is why often counsellors won't focus too much on past trauma rather focusing on how a person is coping day to day and giving strategies for management of life now.

Solution focused therapy is the most well known counselling modalities that uses brief therapy.  This type of therapy is strength based and focuses on clients resourcefulness, it tends to look toward clients natural coping skills that are healthy and build on these while diminishing the client's coping mechanisms that may not be healthy for example drinking excessively. The counsellor looks closely at aspects of the client's life that show their capabilities. Often people are not aware of their strengths or their positive attributes. Everyone has positives attributes and coping mechanisms that get them through life. It's the job of the solution focused counsellor to bring those to the attention of the client and build upon these strengths and healthy coping mechanisms. For example if a client uses smoking to calm their nerves. I might ask "what are the elements of smoking that calm your nerves" The client may say "I go outside, I take a cup of coffee with me, I sit by myself and I smoke my ciggy". There's a few positive aspects to these actions. The person in removing themselves from the stressful event, they are taking spending time in a peaceful location and they are self soothing. The only negative aspect to this scenario is that they are filling their lungs with carcinogens which will eventually kill them. The solution is to withdraw that one element. You can find out more about Solution Focused Therapy here.


Motivational Interviewing is also a type of brief therapy in which the negative aspects of an unwanted behaviour for example drug taking are looked at in equal proportions to the positive aspects. This is a collaborative form of counselling which is person focused. The aim of motivational interviewing is for the client themselves to name and identify alternatives to the negative behaviour by rationalising their action such as the above example of smoking. The Motivational Interviewer might allow the smoker to discuss all the good things about smoking and then all the bad things about smoking allow the client to weigh up the pros and cons and decide for themselves that filling their lungs with chemicals that will eventually kill you probably isn't such a great idea in the long run. This is a very powerful method of counselling as the client comes to the realisation themselves and is more likely to be motivated to change their behaviour. You can find out more about Motivational Interviewing here. This is another strength based counselling. I'm sure Carl Rogers would be very pleased with these therapy types as they come from the perspective that everyone is basically good and have the requirements to make their lives better.

If you are interested in getting some training in Motivational Interviewing or Solution Focused Therapy the links are below. The youtube lecture this week is very good I do hope that you listen to it. Next week I will be debunking the myth that to get counselling you must have a mental illness or a weakness.

Training

http://www.pacificcmc.com/online.html

http://www.briefsolutions.com.au/btis/training.html

Counsellors

http://www.counsellingathome.com/counsellors/

http://www.logancounsellingservices.com.au/

References

Corey, G. (2009). Theory and Practice of Counselling and Psychotherapy. Belmont CA: Brooks/Cole.

Fields, A. (2006). Resolving Patient Ambivalence: A Five Session Motivational Interviewing Intervention. BookSurge.

Gerald, D., & Gerald, K. (2001). Basic Personal Counselling. Frenchs Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Ratner, H., George, E., & Iveson, C. (2012). Solution Focused Brief Therapy 100 Key Points & Techniques. Taylor and Francis.