That Person Isn't You

This week's blog is about learning the value of accepting individuality. This week I'm going to indulge in my own experience. I'll of course link this to some counselling models and there will be a list of references and links as always however, the bulk of this week's writing is about my own personal observations and growth over my 51 years.While I was growing up and often in my practice as a support worker I would hear a sentence that would go something like this "If that were me I would never have done A, I alway do B. What's wrong with that person".  I pondered on this for a while because there was something in this premise that made me feel a bit confused and a touch erky on the inside. And then one day it dawned on me not like a bolt out of the blue rather a slow sun rising with the light gradually changing over time. The next time I heard this, I can't remember what it was in relation to I tried a different approach so when this person said to me "If that were...ending with what's wrong with him..." I replied "He isn't you though is he, he is himself". This was greeted with "what do you mean?"...I went on "He isn't you so he makes his own choices. To him this choice must have been the best option that's why he choose it"..."we all do this we make a choice based on the information that we have at the time, what's worked for us in the past a whole heap of other stuff too. He's a completely different person to you so therefore he makes different choices to you." Normally this is followed by the perplexed thinking face. Then I say "You can only make choices that are good for you, you can't make his choices too and even if you did they would be unsatisfactory to him and probably wouldn't work" There's normally a few more conversation along those lines and then I end up saying "Wouldn't it be easier to just let him make his own choices, maybe there are some great reasons behind it. Wouldn't it just be easier all round if you just make choices for you and try to understand he's choices and accept him where he is at the time instead of being angry with him for not being you".

I was particularly pleased when one of my disabled clients said to their case manager "Actually, I'm not you, I make decisions that suit my life not your life. That's great that you do that but that's not what I want to do." It was so lovingly said, natural and honest. I had to run outside to the clothesline and do the happy dance hopeful that the case manager didn't look out the window and see me there. 

Another thing I heard often working as a support worker was "It's my fault because....(long list of reasons which didn't amount to much) followed. It's really great when people take responsibility for their actions however, sometimes it's not our fault. Sometimes people are actually victims as I have said earlier. Often the most vulnerable of our societies are popped into this category. I liked very much to identify problems by digging a bit deeper than the surface. The above mentioned lady had a few issues with workers getting attached to her and her getting attached to them. The service provider was saying it's the fault of the support workers and this lady. I found her crying because she had been told off for getting too close to a support worker who was then removed from her roster.

We had a chat that went along the lines of this. "So, what did they say exactly," she replied "They said I can't be too friendly with my workers because they end up burning out and leaving". I said "What do you do all day?"...she replied "What do you mean?".  I said "Do you have friends over, do you have a hobby, Do you do any study or do you have any interests". She had a think about it she said "No, I just do bowling on a Friday but most of those people can't talk or interact with me". So, the only people you have to get close to are your support workers would you say?"...She said "Yeah, that is kind of true...I didn't have this problem when I was working and living in that share house." I said "Who is responsible for providing you with support to get a job, to help you find social connections at this new place? Who really owns this problem?"  She picked up the phone called her case worker "Hey, you know what would really help me in not getting too attached to my support workers, is if  I could spend some of my funding money on getting some hobbies and interest, I'd like to get into a TAFE course or something. That way I'd be meeting people to be friends with that weren't my workers".  

What a fast learner I heard on the support worker grape vine that she had said to her case manager "Let's have a think about who owns this problem shall we"

The conclusion of this little Sandy story is, that other people aren't you. They do their own thing, generally speaking their own thing is what suits them best. Sometimes we aren't the ones that own the problem although at first glance it may seem that way. As promised I'll attempted to link this with some real psychology. I'm going to make the huge leap that Carl Rogers had the same idea that people are intrinsically good and attempt to do their best in life. How we see ourselves and others is often based on the misconception that everyone is just like us. This idea may have formed because we have a great section of our brain telling us that our way is the best way, this is called "Cognitive Bias". Next time you find yourself thinking "If that were me I would never..." remind yourself that you don't really know what you would do and that person isn't you anyway that person is doing what is right for them. If it turns out to be the wrong thing that's on them not you.