Relationship Therapy How to Identify a Good Therapist

This week I'm going to talk about how to identify a good relationship therapist. What are the qualities you should be looking for and how does a well trained relationship therapists approach a session. What does a good relationship therapist focus on. What are some questions to ask to determine if you have found the right therapist for you, who can help you achieve a positive outcome for you and your partner. The reason I'm writing this week's blog is because last week I heard a few stories which were a bit disturbing in regard to couples seeking a relationship therapist and finding something which could not be defined as a good experience. There are many counsellors who believe that all therapy is relationship based. I would agree with this assessment starting with the relationship that you have with yourself. How we relate to others is pivotal to our happiness and it determines how we travel through our lives. The old adage is true in this case "at first you must love yourself".

As with most counselling, couples tend to come along when they have run out of options. It is often the case that couples are really seeking separation counselling. They have had enough and have one foot out the door already. Finding the right therapist when you are in this heightened emotional state is not an easy thing to do. The temptation to google "Relationship Counselling" and go to the first
 organisation that pops up is high. However, I would urge you to phone around a bit. Just like there are bad doctors, bad mechanics, bad plumbers and bad nurses there are also bad therapist. It pays to shop around. Therapists have different approaches to relationship therapy, it is always good to have this in mind. There are also therapists with personalities that might clash with your own. As I have said earlier in previous blogs the biggest factor to successful therapy is the relationship between yourself and your therapist. How well you and your partner get on with the therapist is crucial to the success of the therapy. That's why choosing a therapist is so important. Last week I heard three stories of people who went to a therapist who they didn't like and decided never to go back to any therapist ever again. This is a real shame that one bad experience can result in someone determining never to seek counselling ever again. *Take note therapists*, you hold a great deal of responsibility when your client walks in the door. Not only are people trusting us with their life stories, we are also responsible for how they view therapy as a whole. Try not to give us all a bad wrap please. I  always reiterate to clients that if they don't feel comfortable with me that they can choose another counsellor and I won't feel offended. My major goal is that my client receive the best quality therapy this can only be achieved if the client feels comfortable and confident in me. This is crucially important as I am still in the training process as a counsellor. There has to be the right chemistry between the clients and the counsellor. This can be complicated in couple therapy both parties have to feel comfortable with the therapist. If you can agree upon which counsellor you choose then you are halfway to making a huge difference to both your lives.


What are the key factors to relationship therapy and what makes a good relationship therapist. Firstly, both parties have to feel comfortable with the therapist. Secondly, the therapist must remain impartial. This second point is very important. Therapist should not be taking sides with one partner or the other. Both clients should leave the therapy with a feeling of being heard equally. The therapist's aim should be on hearing all sides of the story in the first session. It is also the role of the therapist to assist the clients in hearing each other. Relationship therapy might include one on one counselling with the therapist. The therapy space should be a safe place for couples to talk. A good therapist will not attribute blame to either party. A relationship therapist should moderate discussions so that conversations stay on track and don't turn into a he said she said. A good relationship therapist keeps the focus on the relationship not the individuals within it. A relationship therapist might look to the past to see how the couples are modeling their own relationship. A good relationship therapist will look to the strengths within the relationship and build on these. The therapist might offer up information such as good communication techniques or recommend books and videos on how to build on the relationship. Relationship therapy is complex and many therapist steer away from it as it is daunting.

As with any therapy it's a good idea to shop around for the right therapist, who uses a model that you can relate to. In previous blogs I've talked about the different types of therapy; Narrative, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Existential Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to name just a few. In this wonderful age of the internet we can research the different models of therapy to see which one might work for us. When you are shopping around here are some things to think about. A good question to ask is;"What Model of Therapy do you use?" Most organisations have a "Mission Statement", have a read of this. Many therapist have websites now in which they post blogs similar to this one. You will get a good idea of the therapist by reading these blogs. There's a lot of therapists out there, this is a great thing for you because, you have a lot of therapist to choose from. You might like to use the same approach that you would choosing any person who is providing you with a service. Get three quotes, at least. If you do use a big organisation like Relationships Australia and you have a bad experience with a therapist, it really is so important that you report back to the practice manager. Another counsellor will be assigned your case. If you have a bad experience generally you can report this to Australian Counselling Association, PACFA or the Board of Psychology. Another thing that you can do is say something to the therapist themselves. I know I love to get feedback good and bad. I make an effort to ask my clients how they are going with the therapy and if they have any feedback for me. It is completely ok for you to say to your therapist "I really didn't like that session, I felt like you weren't hearing my side of the story." It's really important that a relationship therapy session provides an opportunity to talk honestly not only with your partner also with your therapist. Your therapist can take this criticism to their next supervision session which will make them a better therapist in the long run.

Relationship therapists often set up a verbal contracts, sometimes a written contract which outlines some guidelines for the session that go along the lines of good communication. This enables couples to practice these in the safety of the therapy room. If your relationship is in need of an impartial view and some tweaking to improve your life and general happiness go forth and seek out a good therapist. In the meantime I have put a few links below for you to have a look at regarding relationships. My favourite is John Gottman and I long for the day that I can get enough cash to do one of the Gottman Institute Relationship Counselling Courses. I have also included some links to Relationship Counsellors who you might like to check out that are Narrative focused, Existential Focused and ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) Focused to start you off on your research. My last request is that if you feel like your relationship is in trouble go early for therapy rather than later.  You will hopefully benefit from this experience.

Helpful Links

Seven Principles from John Gottman

Four Horsemen from John Gottman

Therapist

Narrative Therapist Helen Larkey works primarily as a Narrative Therapist yet moves to other modalities as required.  Helen works with Skype and Phone Counselling so it doesn't matter where you live you can access counselling with Helen.

Existential Therapist Charmaine Roth has completed level one training with the John Gottman institute. Charmaine offers a variety of counselling modalities for couples, existential being one of them. Charmaine offers Skype Counselling which means that you can receive counselling with Charmaine wherever you are living for face to face Counselling you need to be in NSW.

References

Berrison, G. (2007). Making Relationships Work. A conversation with Psychologist John M. Gottman. Harvard Business Review, 45-50.

Gerald, D., & Gerald, K. (2001). Basic Personal Counselling. Frenchs Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and how you can make yours last. NY: Simon & Schuster Paperback.