Conflicts, Communication, View of the World and Personal Peceptions

This week I'm going to talk about a few of the things that I think might cause us to seek out counseling. We form our view of the world based on a bucket load of perceptions. We receive these perceptions from a variety of sources. These might include family our parents and grandparents, teachers, the church we attend, the social structure we grow up in, the experiences we have throughout our lives, the conclusions we draw from all of these things inform our view of the world. Our world view can sometimes be flawed or perceptions of the world may be based upon these flaws. The collection of perceptions we have about the world can be seen as subjective making the flexible and changeable.   For example as a child we may think that our parents view of the world is absolutely accurate when we are adults we may see our parents view of the world as rather limited or even false. We may never question our parental view of the world throughout our entire lives therefore this view will be passed along to our own children. This might become part of your family culture.

We don't just live within our family unit, we get to a certain point where we are exposed to other influences. We come across people who present their view of the world or elements of their view of the world which conflict with our own view. We might communicate our view of the world or try to apply our perceptions onto other people we meet. An internal conflict may arise where a question is raised in our mind we may gather evidence from the external world which confirms our world view or it may create further questions and exploration. This is why some of us are drawn to philosophy or seek answers to our questions in religiosity. The questions may only led to more questions and provide no answers.

When two people meet and marry or decide to share their lives together either in a marriage or even as friends our world view may be challenged. I know when I met my husband the first few years of our marriage were filled with conflict because our world views were so different.   Our family cultures were very different and our perceptions of our experiences varied so greatly that in the end the marriage failed. This is why people who choose to be with another person who comes from similar background to themselves, who share the same world view who perceive the world in the same way are more successful in their marriages. This doesn't mean that you can't have a wonderful relationship with someone who has completely opposing views. There, in fact, might be a greater opportunity to develop a very meaningful relationship with a person who has different views to you there might even be a greater opportunity for personal growth in a relationship where there is a great deal of conflict. This may become really doable if that conflict is conducted with great communication.

In order to achieve great communication it is ideal that we are open to suggestions to taking on board the other person's perceptions of the world, their internal world. Achieving this great communication might not come naturally to us. This is where we might want to have relationship counselling or we may want to learn more about the world in general making communication work for us to learn and grow. If we are interested in personal growth we might find ourselves seeking out opposing views which challenge us. Instead of birds of a feather that flock together we might want to experiment with thoughts and concepts outside of our normal experience. I believe part of good communication is accepting that there are many views of the world and everyone is so unique that it really is worth my while to hear all about these different views without imposing my own view upon others however, I do sometimes challenge other people's views and my own. This is to encourage personal growth.

Having said all of this it is also sensible to know when the difference is too great that growth is not happening. In order to communicate well you really require both people to be motivated toward making things work. If both people aren't working together to find a middle ground then this is where a lot of psychological harm can occur. You really have to know your limits this to is where you may seek the counsel of your friends, family or a professional counselling. To learn when to let things go or to develop a different kind of relationship as I did with my former husband of co-parenting and a friendly workable relationship. Finding the boundaries of your own limitations and other people's limitations is very complex it's not surprising that we need help sorting it all out. We go to our friends for assistance with this because they know us well. We go to counsellors because we require objectivity because they don't know us well. They do know all of the tools you might use to assist you in reaching a decision. We bring all that we have learned at University within the framework of our own lives. It is not a coincidence that many of the great psychologists and counsellors have overcome a great deal of personal challenges.

References

Berrison, G. (2007). Making Relationships Work. A conversation with Psychologist John M. Gottman. Harvard Business Review, 45-50.

Corey, G. (2009). Theory and Practice of Counselling and Psychotherapy. Belmont CA: Brooks/Cole.

Gerald, D., & Gerald, K. (2001). Basic Personal Counselling. Frenchs Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Gerrig, R. J. (2009). Psychology and Life. French Forest NSW: Pearson Education Australia.

Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and how you can make yours last. NY: Simon & Schuster Paperback.

Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.