That Person Isn't You

This week's blog is about learning the value of accepting individuality. This week I'm going to indulge in my own experience. I'll of course link this to some counselling models and there will be a list of references and links as always however, the bulk of this week's writing is about my own personal observations and growth over my 51 years.While I was growing up and often in my practice as a support worker I would hear a sentence that would go something like this "If that were me I would never have done A, I alway do B. What's wrong with that person".  I pondered on this for a while because there was something in this premise that made me feel a bit confused and a touch erky on the inside. And then one day it dawned on me not like a bolt out of the blue rather a slow sun rising with the light gradually changing over time. The next time I heard this, I can't remember what it was in relation to I tried a different approach so when this person said to me "If that were...ending with what's wrong with him..." I replied "He isn't you though is he, he is himself". This was greeted with "what do you mean?"...I went on "He isn't you so he makes his own choices. To him this choice must have been the best option that's why he choose it"..."we all do this we make a choice based on the information that we have at the time, what's worked for us in the past a whole heap of other stuff too. He's a completely different person to you so therefore he makes different choices to you." Normally this is followed by the perplexed thinking face. Then I say "You can only make choices that are good for you, you can't make his choices too and even if you did they would be unsatisfactory to him and probably wouldn't work" There's normally a few more conversation along those lines and then I end up saying "Wouldn't it be easier to just let him make his own choices, maybe there are some great reasons behind it. Wouldn't it just be easier all round if you just make choices for you and try to understand he's choices and accept him where he is at the time instead of being angry with him for not being you".

I was particularly pleased when one of my disabled clients said to their case manager "Actually, I'm not you, I make decisions that suit my life not your life. That's great that you do that but that's not what I want to do." It was so lovingly said, natural and honest. I had to run outside to the clothesline and do the happy dance hopeful that the case manager didn't look out the window and see me there. 

Another thing I heard often working as a support worker was "It's my fault because....(long list of reasons which didn't amount to much) followed. It's really great when people take responsibility for their actions however, sometimes it's not our fault. Sometimes people are actually victims as I have said earlier. Often the most vulnerable of our societies are popped into this category. I liked very much to identify problems by digging a bit deeper than the surface. The above mentioned lady had a few issues with workers getting attached to her and her getting attached to them. The service provider was saying it's the fault of the support workers and this lady. I found her crying because she had been told off for getting too close to a support worker who was then removed from her roster.

We had a chat that went along the lines of this. "So, what did they say exactly," she replied "They said I can't be too friendly with my workers because they end up burning out and leaving". I said "What do you do all day?"...she replied "What do you mean?".  I said "Do you have friends over, do you have a hobby, Do you do any study or do you have any interests". She had a think about it she said "No, I just do bowling on a Friday but most of those people can't talk or interact with me". So, the only people you have to get close to are your support workers would you say?"...She said "Yeah, that is kind of true...I didn't have this problem when I was working and living in that share house." I said "Who is responsible for providing you with support to get a job, to help you find social connections at this new place? Who really owns this problem?"  She picked up the phone called her case worker "Hey, you know what would really help me in not getting too attached to my support workers, is if  I could spend some of my funding money on getting some hobbies and interest, I'd like to get into a TAFE course or something. That way I'd be meeting people to be friends with that weren't my workers".  

What a fast learner I heard on the support worker grape vine that she had said to her case manager "Let's have a think about who owns this problem shall we"

The conclusion of this little Sandy story is, that other people aren't you. They do their own thing, generally speaking their own thing is what suits them best. Sometimes we aren't the ones that own the problem although at first glance it may seem that way. As promised I'll attempted to link this with some real psychology. I'm going to make the huge leap that Carl Rogers had the same idea that people are intrinsically good and attempt to do their best in life. How we see ourselves and others is often based on the misconception that everyone is just like us. This idea may have formed because we have a great section of our brain telling us that our way is the best way, this is called "Cognitive Bias". Next time you find yourself thinking "If that were me I would never..." remind yourself that you don't really know what you would do and that person isn't you anyway that person is doing what is right for them. If it turns out to be the wrong thing that's on them not you.

The Psychology of Gaming

A little known fact about me is that I am a Gamer. I've been playing computer and console games since they first came out, I can't remember when that was, I think I was around 17 years old. These days I only have time to play one online game. This game is World of Warcraft. This is the largest Multiplayer online games in the world to date, it has been around for 11 years. There have been numerous studies done on the psychological impact of gaming generally and many focusing on just World of Warcraft. There is now a condition which has been added to the DSM- 5 which addresses the addictive nature of gaming. This condition is called "Internet Gaming Disorder"(IGD). It shares similar characteristics as other problem behaviours such as gambling, drug addiction and alcoholism. Players suffer withdrawal when giving up their games. This week's blog is about the psychology of gaming. A long time ago when I first started to play WoW and I was in a very intense raiding guild. A fellow gamer gave me the greatest advice in relation to gaming he said, "Krinsta (that's my warcraft character name), always remember to play the game don't let the game play you".

A lot has been written about the negative aspects of gaming. Just to be different I'd like to write about some of the less well known benefits of gaming. These too have been researched, perhaps these researchers have not been on the popular media news stories as much as the negative aspect such as the very real problem of IGD. I feel as if these positive attributes that occur when players do learn to moderate their gaming are really unheard of in general media. Great things like developing a "Hero Mentality", Teamwork and Money Management, are little heard of in the wider non-gamer community. The gamer community are supporters of a variety of charities such as "Make a Wish Foundation". They are definately solution focused and team oriented group of people. As with any large community there are a few ratbags unfortunately these are the ones that the general public hear about.

The mysterious world of gamers is a complex one. Let me break it down for you. There is the very large community of gamers who play all the games that have ever been made. There's the game community of particular games for example, the World of Warcraft Community of which I am a member.  This is made up of everyone who plays WoW, these include youtubers, some of them are shown in the links below if you are interested to take a glimpse. Then there is the slightly smaller community of players that play in your region, known as "Servers" and then the smaller still community of "Guilds". These are the people that are part of your direct team. I am the leader of a Guild of such a community. The members of the guild play specifically together doing a variety of team based activities. In my guild this includes, getting together twice a week for two hours to raid. Some members going to each others houses and playing the game together. We have a facebook page and we talk together almost every day on programs such a ventrilo and teamspeak. We have a leadership team. We have game objectives that we work on together on to achieve. You can see my guild in action in the links below. The more important role of the guild has more to do with providing a social support network. It's not unusual in my guild for people to get together In Real Life (IRL). People in my guild "Riftwarriors" stay at each others houses when traveling interstate, help each other move house, talk on phone, discuss IRL problems and come up with solutions, write references and a host of other activities. Proofreading essays is one of the ones I particularly like. We are yet to have a guild get together, this happens frequently with other guilds. In short it is a shared activity that we all enjoy. It's a community of good mates who meet online and offline.


The research supports this role of social support with studies linking relationships built in guilds reducing social phobias and isolation offline as well as online. The gaming community providing all the benefits of other social groups which are more traditional. The benefits of working as a team to resolve ingame problems provides real life skills in doing the same outside of the game. Problem solving activities can be found in a number of games. These skills are transferable to real life. Gamers have been solving difficult scientific problems that have baffled the scientific world by doing just that transferring these problem solving skills to solving real scientific mysteries

The negatives to excessive gaming are real. Undergraduates fail the first year of studies at alarming rates. As a guild leader I have seen this first hand. As a guild we do try to encourage our members to be sensible about their play time. Some of our guildies in the past have played WoW to the exclusion of everything else and have learned the hard way not to let the game play them. There are some personality types that can be prone to this kind of behaviour. The makers of the game do warn players about this phenomenon. We still have a lot to learn about how to manage this. I am not advocating this type of game play. However, I am hopefully pointing out the good elements of the game.

For many years I kept my gaming hobby a secret. I felt a certain amount of shame and embarrassment that I played these games. I certainly don't fit the media image of a gamer. I'm a woman in my 50's who runs a World of Warcraft guild. Today, I am owning this part of who I am. I am proud of my guildies for how they are in the game and how they conduct themselves in their real lives. I'm also proud of myself for running this guild and being able to play this game with my sons over the years. I am so glad that I got this "second skin" of Krinsta, to take me away to a different place every now and then.

There is nothing like the experience of being with a group of people of all different social backgrounds ages and stages of life joining together and working on a common goal and succeeding. I see my gaming as a release, a place to go in which for a short time I can be part of the Riftwarriors family and achieve goals, socialise and forget about RL for a little while. I play around about the same amount as what other people may watch Television. I do play the game the game doesn't play me. I think that gaming is a great thing with some bad sides to it. Like all things Gaming should be taken in Moderation.  Thank you to all the people who I have played Warcraft with over the past 11 years and a special thank you to the Riftwarriors for having such faith in my ability to lead you and helping me to create such a great place to be. You guys are awesome :)

Links to Youtubers

https://www.youtube.com/user/FatbossTV

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCk3bbpoBpVTRYvjpNOfoMxA

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKUc5yO0jnEWEJnk-rdVVug

Riftwarriors In Action

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAwpaijwwrI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJPD9t5jOgc

Ted Talk

https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_gaming_can_make_a_better_world?language=en

References

Dickey, M. D. (2011). World of Warcraft and the impact of game culture and play in an undergraduate game design course. Computers and Education, 200-209.

Griffiths, M. D., Kuss, D. J., & Pontes, H. M. (2016). The evolution of Internet addiction: A global perspective. Addictive Beviours, 193-195.

Lehenbaurer-Baum, M., & Fohringer, M. (2015). Towards classification criteria for internet gaming disorder: Debunking differences between addiction and high engagement in a German sample of World of Warcraft players. Computers in Human Behaviour, 345-351.

Martoncik, M., & Loksa, J. (2016). Do World of Warcaft (MMORPG) players experience less loneliness and social anxiiety in online world (virtual environment) than in real world (offline). Computers in Human Behaviour, 127-134.

Odrowska, A. M., & Massar, K. (2014). Predicting guild commitment in World of Warcreaft with the investment model of Commitment. Computers in Human Behaviour, 235-240.

Silva, L., & Mousavidin, E. (2015). Strategic thinking in virtual worlds: Studying World of Warcraft. Computers in Human Behaviour, 168-180.

Young, K. S. (2004). Internet Addiction A new Clinical Phenomenon and Its Consequences. American Behavioral Scientist, 402-415.

Second skin. (2010). American Salon, 133(12), 60. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.elibrary.acap.edu.au/docview/818547361?accountid=137399

Professionals Cry Too

This week I'm going to write about professionals and emotions. In my past career as a low level nurse and support worker, the image of professionalism often meant not showing our true emotions to our clients or their families or even each other. We were encouraged to be emotional walls of strength that anything could be thrown at. That we would be impervious to any harm. Our clients could scream abuse at us when they were diagnosed with some kind of horrible condition. At times over the slightest provocation clients would have angry outburst directed toward nursing staff. In disability services as a support worker it was common place for clients and their families to use us as emotional whipping boys. If we complained we were told it's all part of the job. Things have changed now, thank goodness. However, there is still a bit of confusion about if it is ok to show our emotions. What are the consequences of suppressing these deep felt emotions and how can we deal with them in a professional way. Hopefully this week's blog will be helpful to you in finding a healthy balance and ways to deal with sadness.

There was method to this madness of emotion suppression. It isn't a great idea to drop to the floor in fetal position and cry when your clients  die or divulge a horrible past secret. You do have to remain strong in these caring roles. However, there is nothing wrong with crying about these things in moderation, seeking out some counselling yourself which is outside supervision. Employing some tactics to allow yourself to leave your work at work. To acknowledge that your clients are important to you and having a cry is human. Being a counsellor, nurse or doctor doesn't stop you from being human.

Some of the things you can do to prevent yourself from burning out are maintaining some healthy life practices. Not taking on more than you can handle, getting adequate rest, allowing yourself to process the sadness you feel when a client passes away. I worked for a wonderful organisation that promoted processing grief. They held staff meeting specifically for the nursing staff to talk about the person or people who had died. This was really helpful it usually entailed meeting somewhere for food and talking about all the things we loved and didn't love so much about these people we had cared for, over sometimes years. There was laughter and tears in these staff meetings. It was a lovely way to send our clients off. We were also given 6 weeks free counselling every year. Some nurses took up this option some did not. Some nurses were invited to the meetings/dinner some came along, some did not. I know that this experience was very good for me. It was lovely to hear the stories of the clients special moments with each of the staff. I never worked for another place that offered this kind of support however, I do wish that more organisations did something similar to this.

There is a lot of research being done at the moment around carer burnout, grieving and nursing in Palliative care. The impact on professionals who are working with patients who have a high mortality rate is also being research broadly. Hopefully this will assist professionals who work in this area of care and support to be acknowledged, not only by their peers also within the wider community. Understanding that it is really ok and human to experience strong emotions when the people we care for die. Death is part of the living experience, as is grieving for the people who die. There is so much opportunity to grow when we experience these emotions and reflect upon our experience as professionals in these roles.  In particular our role in caring for people who are dying. Irving Yalom talks about the experience of working with people who are dying as heightening his own experience of living. If we suppress our feelings, we run the risk of not growing as humans and as professionals. I think it is a lovely tribute to lives of the people we care for if we acknowledge our own grief when they are gone from our lives.

In conclusion, I would like to say thank you to all the clients I have cared for and their families for enriching my life. I would also like to thank all my fellow nurses for their wonderful input into my professional growth which I'm sure will make me a much better counsellor and psychologist.

References

Burtson, P. L., & Stichler, J. F. (2010). Nursing work environment and nurse care: relationship among motivational factors. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 1819-1829.

Cocco, E., Gatti, M., deMendonco Limma, A., & Comus, V. (2003). A comparative study of stress and burnout among sstaff caregivers in nursing homes and acute geriatric wards. International Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 78-85.

Juthberg, C., Eriksson, S., Norberg, A., & Sundin, K. (2010). Perceptions of conscience, stress of conscience and burnout among nursing staff in residential elder care. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 1708-1718.

Kaur, D., Sambasivan, M., & Kumar, N. (2013). Effect of spiritual intelligence, emotional intelligence, psychological ownership and burout on caring behaviour of nurses: a cross-sectional study. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 3192-3202.

Peters, V., Houkes, I., de Rijk, A., Bohle, P., Engles, J., & Nijhuis, F. (2016). Which resources moderate the effects of demanding work schedules on nurses working in residential elder care? A longitudinal study. International Journal of Nursing Studies, 31-43.

Yalom, I. (2010, June 10). Dr Yalom 1-3 Death & Existential Psychotherapy. Retrieved October 11, 2014, from youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-1dfH_kVZA